How A Man Copes With A Broken Heart
by Bren Gail
Summary: The love that burned so fierce in each other's heart for the other would forever burn, but it would burn separately. How does a man cope with a broken heart?


_**How A Man Copes With A Broken Heart**_

Derek Morgan had a list. Actually, he had several lists, but the list of importance today was the top five worse days of his life, days that had broken his heart, twisted his gut, and ones he often recalled. Over the years, there were days that had been their momentarily and some that stayed there for a few years, but they all would fall below the top five, but one.

The one day that had the most staying power, which had not budged from number one, was the day his father was murdered. Carl Buford had once held four of those spots, but as Derek healed, other events slowly took over those horrific days. The day he had hurt his knee forcing him to give up football had a home on that list until years after he had joined the Bureau. In this moment, or any other moment without warning, he could recite each of the days on the list. Each day had its own importance, which did not take away from the other. Instead of listing them in importance, he listed them by oldest to recent.

His father's death had set the course of Derek's life. If his father had lived, Derek would not have been searching for a father figure, in which he had found a horrific one within Carl Buford. Without his experiences with Carl Buford, he would not have purposely chosen to study law in the attempt to make bastards like Buford pay. Derek would not have needed the athletic scholarships to pay for school. Law courses were expensive. If he had not of needed the athletic scholarships, he would not have damaged his knee. If he had not damaged his knee, he would have been able to continue onward with law school, with the aid of his athletic scholarships. Because of his loss of athletic scholarships, he chose to enter The Police Academy to both honor his father by following in his footsteps and revenge what happened to his father in that convenience store, and him under the malicious supervision of Buford; Derek wanted to make bastards pay for their crimes.

Yet, if his father had lived, none of those things would have occurred, and Derek had the feeling that he still would have become a cop regardless. Nevertheless, would he have worked with the ATF? Would he have joined the FBI? If he had never joined the FBI, he would not have applied and for and earned the a coveted spot in the elite Behavioural Analysis Unit. It had taken Derek years to understand and accept the fact that his father had to die, not only to protect him and the other people in the store that fateful day, but in order for Derek to become the man he is.

The next on the list was something that hit Derek both personally and professionally; the day that his fellow agent, moreover friend, Doctor Spencer Reid, was attacked, abducted, tortured, and almost killed by Tobias Hankel. That case had haunted him for years, and sometimes still. That case was the reason why his friend became addicted to Dilaudid; why Reid still refused to take any sort of medication-even the simplest over the counter ones-in fear of becoming addicted. Derek should have known better than to allow Reid to go with JJ, _he_ should have went with Reid. It would have prevented what happened to Reid and it would have prevented the trauma that JJ had received, because of the literal man eating dogs. Poor JJ still struggled with what had happened, even though she never would admit. Derek knew she struggled for the simple fact she refused to allow Henry around any dog, besides Derek's own, Clooney. Derek did not blame JJ for what happened to either of them, but he felt as if he were there, instead of Reid, Tobias would not have taken Derek, himself. It was fruitless and perhaps untrue to believe that, yet he could not help what he felt.

Speaking of what he felt, the next occurrence had threatened his entire being. The next day on the list had been the day that his best friend, his solace, Penelope Garcia had went out on a blind date to needlessly prove him wrong. That blind date turned out to be an UnSub that almost killed her. He did not think it a coincidence that the first time he had prayed since a child was the night that his baby girl almost died. When left to his thoughts for long periods, he wondered what would have happened if he had not prayed. Would Penelope have died? He shuddered when his psyche asked that question. He did not want to think about it, yet that horrific day was the day that he realized that he truly loved Penelope as the love of his life and not just a best friend who was a woman he'd teased and secretly would have liked a few benefits with.

Before the fall of 2009, if one had guessed that the next day on the list, would have been the day that his baby girl and Kevin Lynch started to date, they would have been correct. However, the day that replaced the first day of the Lynch-Garcia courtship was the day that George Foyet murdered Haley Hotchner. His heart broke for Hotch and little Jack. It was unjust and unfair that Haley died. He could not fathom losing a parent as young as Jack had. He, to this day, could not fathom losing his Mother, and poor Jack was not even five when he lost his.

The fifth day on the list was a summer night in 2010. The case of The Prince of Darkness would forever affect Derek. He had promised a dying man, Detective Spicer that he would look out for his little girl. It was a promise that he would keep until his last breath. The look on Ellie's face when her father and aunt were shot, immediately took him back to the day that his own father was murdered. He saw himself in Ellie and he refused for her to go down the same road he did. He had been ready to adopt and raise the little girl when her mother showed up ready to take over where Detective Spicer had left off. Derek was against it, at first, until he saw the daily journal that Ellie's mom had wrote while the two were separated . That many days could not be faked in that short of amount of time. Derek believed her and Ellie was reunited with her mother. He still checked on the pair.

All five worse days of his life were accounted for, yet Derek was at an impasse. Today was one of the worse days of his life. He thought he had been prepared. He thought that he would be able to execute what was requested and expected of him, but he could not. The reality of the meaning of today finally hit when he saw the beautiful bride in her wedding gown and accessories.

"Derek?" Penelope asked distressed at the look he shot her. He looked as if he were about to attend a funeral instead of her wedding. She thought that he had let go of the animosity he had for Kevin. He had promised her that he had. He had given her blessing. He had accepted her request. Was he having second thoughts? Did he not want to go through with it? Why would he not? She could not do this without her best friend. She needed Derek in order to marry Kevin. She inwardly winced, because she knew exactly how that sounded. She was a woman who had tired of waiting for a fantasy that she felt was never going to happen. She did what most women would do in her situation. She settled for what was there, or rather who was there. She felt herself breathing shallow and quicken. She was on the verge of both hyperventilating and having a panic attack. When he did not respond and continued to look as if he was grieving, she repeated his name airily almost yelping as she struggled to breathe.

He blinked and the despair that she had seen slowly disappeared. He slowly grinned at her and she was immediately at ease. She took a deep calming breath and smiled back at him. She gave a twirl and her blonde curls bounced as her dress "What do you think?"

"I think that you are breathtakingly beautiful." He answered as he grabbed her wrist as she went to twirl again. Her breath caught, and her mouth formed a perfect O as she processed what he had told her. He was not teasing. She did not detect the charming flirty husky tone that she had often dreamed about and she did not see the mischievous twinkle in his beautiful brown eyes. He was completely serious and his eyes had just found hers and his fingers laced through her own. The act was intimate. Although, they had held hands in the past, much like this, Penelope could feel something different. He continued when he got her attention. "You, Penelope Antoinette Garcia are the loveliest, stunning, and breathtakingly beautiful woman I have ever met. You, baby girl, are beautiful inside and out. No matter what happens, remember that I love you, and that I will forever be your best friend."

Big, hot, messy tears fell from her the corner of her dark blue eyes, as she comprehended what he was saying, but more so, what he was not. She was not a profiler, but she had picked up a thing or two from her years with the team and more specifically her years as a woman in the dating world. His body language, tone of voice, how tender he was being, exposed him. He was telling her, finally telling her that he loved her, loved her just as she loved him, but how could he have known that she loved him more than she did anything or anyone? She would die for him, and she knew that he'd do the same for her. As Derek started referring to when they had first met, when he had called her Gomez, and then baby girl, her heart began to break as she realized that Derek was not declaring his love for her. He was trying to be the best friend that he always had been. He was trying. He was letting her go. He was setting her free. He was giving her away. She closed her eyes and the mascara that had claimed to be waterproof started to clump. Dear lord in heaven, he was giving her way. She had asked a man in love with her to walk her down the aisle, to give her hand in marriage to another man. She was a cruel bitch. Why had she not seen this? Had he hid his love so thoroughly that she had always misunderstood his teasing as teasing, and not a teasing invitation?

It was her wedding day, but it now felt like an execution. She had been so happy up until her moment of realization. She loved Kevin, but she had always loved Derek more, and different. She now understood the look of grief that she had seen in his eyes. He was grieving her as if she were dead. She was not, she was living and breathing, and in his arms, yet he did nothing, as he always had, as she always had. The banter was gone. The teasing would no longer again occur. She felt their friendship slowly start to die even though neither wanted that to happen. The love that burned so fierce in each other's heart for the other would forever burn, but it would burn separately. This was as close to her fantasy as she ever would in reality. She had to do something or she would regret it.

"Der-" She started to confess everything about how she felt and how she knew that he felt it too, but stopped short when she felt his right forefinger on her mouth and his left hand wrap around both of her hands. She closed her eyes and more tears fell. She gasped in realization. Although, Derek loved her, not only as his best friend, but also as a woman, he did not want her to do this to herself, to him, to them. She was having an inner panic attack. It was getting harder to breathe. She knew that she would soon be a blubbing mess. She could not handle this heartbreak again. She had handled it several times throughout the last nine years, yet this heartbreak was more severe, cutting, and pronounced. Her heart had yearned for his love and broke when it did not receive it, yet in this moment it received it tenfold, but his refused to acknowledge or reciprocate. This was the worst, knowing the love existed, but the person did not want to love you. She jerked her hands from his left hand with the intention on running, but prevented from doing so.

"Penelope, don't." Derek whispered as he tightly embraced her trying to ease her pain, to comfort her, to let her know that he knew that he felt the same contradicting emotions. She half-heartedly smacked, punched, and swatted his chest effectively crushing the yellow rose, the flower of friendship, in his front outer jacket pocket. When she started crying, his knees almost buckled from the emotion he held back. He had seen everything in her eyes, her face, her gasps for air, and the tears; oh damn the tears that fell from those beautiful blues. Those tears pierced through his heart repeatedly until the tears he had until this moment held at bay released. He silently mourned their love as she did so piercingly and wholly. He wanted so much to verify what he realized she had recognized that he loved her as a man does a woman, but it would not be right. She deserved so much more than he could give her. Even though he felt he was the better man between him and Lynch, he thought that Lynch could give her more emotionally than he ever could. He was a broken man, he was half the man that she deserved, hell they both were, yet he believed Lynch would be more stable, safer, and his baby girl needed stability as her flight through life soared uncharted. "Let it all out, baby girl." He said soothingly as he smoothed her hair, his finger gingerly touching her silky blonde curls. She flinched when he called her baby girl, but did as he asked her. She cried anguished tears, smacked, punched, and scratched at his chest, upper arms, and shoulders for several minutes, before she finally laid her head on his shoulder as she held unto his biceps.

The yellow rose now shredded beyond repair symbolized their once beautiful friendship. Only one thing could salvage both the flower and friendship, love. The flower could be, for the love of earth's resources, recycled and merged with other materials to form something new, just as their friendship could be recycled and merge with other emotions. What was left of their friendship, loyalty, and respect could transform and ignite the fire within their hearts, their love for the other. If that was to occur, one would have to allow their emotional barrier to fall, yet that one had to be Derek, as he would not allow Penelope do it.

This was the worse day of his life. Today, in this moment holding Penelope knowing that he was so close to bliss, yet so far was the worst pain he had felt in his adult life. The day his father had died, he had been a boy, confused and missing his daddy, but today he was a man, and today the love for the love of his life would be laid to rest. He was bitter, broken, and a smidge of an asshole. He held her, but he missed her. He loved her, but hated that they had waited too late, hated that he would never be good enough for her. The day that should be the happiest, brightest in a Penelope's life was the bitterest, darkest of both of their lives.

"Penelope, baby girl," He whispered, but stopped cold when he heard her growl through her tears.

"No, don't you dare call me baby girl." She growled then choked on both her tears and the smell of him. She swallowed and lifted her head from his shoulder. She jerked away and he let her go. "I am not," She blinked back tears and choked on a sob as she struggled to gain control of her emotions. He went to reach for her, but she stepped farther away and shook her head no. "I am not your baby girl. You have made that abundantly clear. For now on, you will call me Penelope, Garcia, or better yet Analyst Garcia. I am done. I refuse to do this to myself any longer."

He clenched his fists to the side as tear after tear fell from his eyes. He had not thought his heart could break any more than it had, but she had proved him wrong. She was cutting him out of her life.

"Derek," She shrieked broken-heartedly at the sight of his tears. "Nine years." She shuddered a breath and cackled manically. "Nine long heartbreaking years, I waited, hoped, dreamed, and fantasized." She placed her hands on her mouth and watched as he stood silently as he continued to shed tears.

His heart was bleeding. The blood leaked from the windows of his soul; the blood was hot, clear, and salty.

"I love you, Derek Morgan!" She exclaimed.

He closed his eyes and hissed in both pain and pleasure.

She continued onward, because she had to say this, or she would forever regret it, because after today, she would never speak to him again, unless it was in a professional setting with a professional tone, or that would be her intention. "But that isn't enough for you is it?" She screamed as she threw her arms and clenched fists in the air. "It has never ever been enough." She cried and before she knew it, she spewed hurtful accusation after insensitive accusation at him. "One woman will never be enough for you. You are always going to be that player that I met in 2004. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not thin enough? Tall enough? Young enough? Why do I even love you? Why did I have to fall in love with someone so insecure? I feel sorry for us both. I am going to be stuck in a marriage that I settled for, while you're going to be alone. Dear God, I adore both Rossi and Gideon, but you are going to end up just like them. Legendary, but lonely." She stopped and her eyes widened as she realized all of what she had just said. She had let her anger get the best of her. This was why she always tried to stay happy and chipper. She was a dangerous angry person. She added in a sorrowful tone. "Do you really want that?"

He opened his mouth to answer her, but she interrupted him, realizing that they could stand here, cry, argue, and stare at each other all day and night, but this had to end, and she was heartbroken that their friendship would end when the conversation did. "No, you made your decision. I know that you love me, but you don't want and that," She paused and swallowed another sob. "That isn't okay with me right now, but I understand and one day it will be okay," She blinked and swallowed again. "Or at least not as painful as it is this moment."

"Penelope." He whispered. "It's not that I don't want to."

"Der-ek." She sighed depressed. "I've made my decision. I love you. I want you. I need you. What _do_ you want from me?"

He was silent.

"Look," She bit her lip. "You have until the end of the ceremony to make up your mind. You have," She glanced at her gem-encrusted wristwatch. "About an hour, to decide whether or not you _need_ to love me. I'm not giving you an ultimatum, but I am tired of waiting. I will receive my happy ending today. One will be so much happier and more love on fire than the other, but a girl sometimes has to settle for only happy when she falls in love with someone like you, the stubborn idiot, and the other a clueless chap. I deserve a happy ending, damn it!"

"Penelope." Derek started to reply, but was prevented from doing so.

"If you Penelope me, one more time Derek." She retorted as she cut him off, before adding. "Have you made your decision or do you need to the end of the deadline?"

He ignored her question and turned to leave. He paused at the door.

She threw her hands up in the air as she looked up in exasperation and frustration. "Could you please find JJ and Emily?"

He nodded, opened the door to leave, and came face to face with the two women Penelope asked him to find. He shook his head in disbelief as he wondered how long they had been there, but going by the fact that both Jennifer and Emily had twin looks of shock on their face mixed with utter astonishment and resentment, he believed they had at least heard a good majority of the argument. He stepped back and motioned for them to come in as a gentleman would, then he left.

Jennifer and Emily looked at Penelope and had a look of horror as they took in Penelope's appearance. The only thing salvageable was the hair and the dress; everything else had to be done again. They both went to speak, but Penelope had become a professional at interrupting, she could now give Director Strauss lessons. "No, I don't want to hear a word about Derek Morgan, or my atrocious cosmetics. Let's just get my face clean and my hair retouched just a smidge. I'll walk down the aisle without a stitch of make up on."

Jennifer and Emily shared a look, before Emily tentatively asked. "Alone?"

Penelope frowned and took a deep breath, before she shook her head. "No, I won't be alone, but I want you two to walk me down that aisle. You are my best girlfriends." She paused and snorted sadly. "Even in death, you two did what was needed, that is more than can be said about he-who-had-better-not-be-mentioned-again."

As the girls talked and helped Penelope to finish getting ready, Derek walked around the building that was scheduled for the wedding ceremony. Eventually he made his way to the large anteroom where the ceremony would take place, he took a seat near the corner at the back of the Bride side. He sat there for several moments before he placed his elbows on his knees and he bowed his head to pray. He felt someone set beside him and place a comforting hand on his shoulder. He knew who it was, so he did not raise his head or stop praying. When he was finished praying he rose up, but the comforting hand did not budge.

"Derek," Spencer Reid started hesitantly before he continued confidently. "Derek, I have not felt what you are feeling, but I am here for you."

"How do you?" Derek asked, but stopped when he realized that Spencer knew him better than he knew himself. He bowed his head in defeat, but raised it when he felt both Aaron and Dave standing near them, both watching.

"Derek, we knew this was going to happen." Dave said as he took a seat beside Derek.

"Please, don't go saying I told you so?" Derek pleaded with him.

Dave was unsure how to respond to the despondent tone.

Aaron glared at Dave as he took the seat beside Reid, but positioned his body to look into Derek's eyes. "Derek, have you spoken to Garcia? Does she know?"

"Oh, you guys didn't hear her? I thought the entire block hear her."

"No. We did not hear a thing. The walls are impenetrable. This building was built," Spencer paused at the look that Dave was giving him. "Which is not significant at this time."

"What did you two argue over?" Aaron asked.

Derek shook his head and smiled melancholy. "She argued. I listened."

"See, you got half the battle won." Dave interjected.

Aaron silenced Dave with a warning look, although Dave returned the look with an unapologetic one.

Spencer asked trying to get the conversation back on track, "What did she say?"

Dave interrupted, "Did you argue over walking her down the aisle?"

"No," Derek shook his head. "That never came up in the conversation, but I'm sure that it isn't going to happen."

"Derek," Hotch stated to get him focused. "Something significant was said between you and Penelope. What was it?"

"Hotch." Derek growled in warning.

"No," Hotch declared. "I have sat back since her first day and watched the two of you fall in love with each other. I never said a word, a word, about the improper behavior or the like, you two never let whatever it was that was going on effect work, but as soon the wedding was announced, you have been different, not incompetent different, but different. You love that woman. She loves you. What is the issue? Is it, because of the Bureau? If so, Dave, Reid, and I have that covered."

Derek blinked. "What? No, man," He had started to deny it all, but decided that it was long pass due for him to admit it. He had once admitted it to Penelope shortly after she was shot, but she had misconstrued his meaning, and he never corrected her. "I love her, guys. I love her so much it hurts."

Spencer could take no more of watching his best friend hurt, he wrapped his arms around Derek's shoulders and hugged him. Derek wrapped his arms around Spencer and hugged him back. Dave placed a hand on Derek's shoulder while Aaron placed one on Reid's. The men stayed in that position for a few minutes, until the Wedding Planner called to attention that the ceremony would start in fifteen minutes. The men moved to the front. Kevin and his best man, his father, got into their position as and waited as the guests finish filing in. Fifteen minutes later Derek, Reid, Aaron, Rossi, and the rest of the wedding guest stood as the piano played the bridal march. They watched the Matron of Honor, Jennifer Jareau, on the right side, and Maid of Honour, Emily Prentiss, on the left side, walk the beautiful Penelope Garcia down the aisle to Kevin Lynch.

As the ceremony began, Derek processed everything that Penelope had said, what he had said, and then the guys had said. A voice inside his head, his concious, or it could have been the voice within his heart, kept asking him with each word spoken within the ceremony, how does a man cope with a broken heart?

Before today, Derek would have answered that a man had to suck it up and move on, as he had done so for his forty-three years on earth; yet today, his answer was that they do not cope.

At least, he would not be able to cope, to heal from losing the love of his life to another man. He would forever be broken hearted, unless he spoke up at an opportune time.

He made his decision, and Penelope Garcia got her happier with love on fire ever after.

Derek Morgan objected to the union of two Penelope Garcia and Kevin Lynch, which left Kevin Lynch with the question, how does a man copes with a broken heart.

They do not.


End file.
